Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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