So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
