Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
