he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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