I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
