Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
