His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
