I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
