using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
