i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
