It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
