Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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