I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
