He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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