been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
