..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
