corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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