I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
