It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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