I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Is Oprah even human
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
