Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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