What a fucking waste of an outfit
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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