His pubic hair was longer than his dick
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
