the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
