I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
