what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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