have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
