you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
