I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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