loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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