if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
