is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
