dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
