I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
