Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
