I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
