Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
