I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
did i just pee glitter
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
