so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Less talking, more tequila
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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