dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
