I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
