God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
