My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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