You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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