i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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