I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
