K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
