question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
