I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
