just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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