I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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